WHY IS HOTWIFING SO “HOT?” |
By David J. Ley, Ph.D.
Many couples I encounter ask this question, trying to understand what it is about the hotwife/cuckold phenomenon that makes it so exciting and irresistible for them. To answer this question, and many others that you might share, I published the book, Insatiable Wives, Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them.
As a clinical psychologist, many couples first ask me, “Am I crazy for wanting to do this? Is there something screwed up in my head, that I/we enjoy the fantasy of my wife with other men?” My answer is that you are no more or less crazy than other people out there. And in fact, I have found that hotwifing couples tend to have extraordinary communication skills and positive relationships that monogamous couples often don’t have. So, don’t worry that your fantasies mean you’re crazy.
Hotwifing/cuckoldry is not new – Even though it seems like it, from the explosion of hotwifing and cuckoldry on the Internet, this lifestyle has been around for thousands of years. The Internet has brought it out of the closet. According to recent surveys, hotwife/cuckold related searches are the 2nd most common sex-related Internet searches. But, in my book, I give examples of this lifestyle in many non-Western cultures, and throughout Western history. In some island cultures, festivals were celebrated with unrestrained sexuality (sounds like Jamaica and Hedonism to me!). One wife took on over a hundred men in one night, during a tribal ceremony. What is new today is that the Internet has allowed more men and women who might be interested in this lifestyle to learn that they are not alone in these desires. In the past, people suppressed their desires for fear of social rejection and stigma. Finding that there are others out there who share these desires has led more husbands to be brave enough to express their desires to their wives, and more wives to be willing and able to explore their sexuality outside their marriage.
There are lots of explanations for hotwifing: For women, it is a way for them to explore the full reaches of their sexuality, safe within a marriage and with the knowledge that their sexual explorations will not cost them their husband. The rise of feminism over the past few decades has led to increased acceptance of female sexual desires, and less stigma on women who like exploring their slutty sides. . Through hotwifing, husbands can also "experience" the greater capacity of sexual fulfillment available to women, getting sexual excitement by watching their wife achieve greater sexual pleasure through the attentions of more than one man. Some men love the fact that they have a wife that other men want, it makes them feel like they are a king, knowing that at the end of the night(or the week in Jamaica), their wife is still going home with them. Some husbands use hotwifing to explore a sexual desire for other men, even though they might never touch the other men.
Believe it or not, this kink is as much biological as it is psychological: Our brain chemistry changes over the course of a relationship. When we first start a sexual relationship, we are driven by our neurochemicals to have lots and lots of sex, and think about our partner all day long. After a few months though, those chemicals subside, and our sexuality changes somewhat, becoming more nurturing and bit less passionate. But, when we start a relationship with other people, those early exciting neurochemicals roar back at full strength. When the wife goes off with another man, she then brings that chemical excitement back to her husband, and her primary relationship. Another powerful form of biology is involved as well, that of sperm competition. Sperm competition is a theory of evolutionary sexuality based on the idea that male sexual biology responds to the risk of being cuckolded with increased sexual energy and by ejaculating more sperm that behave more aggressively, in order to combat the sperm of another man that might be present in their wife’s vagina. Hotwife and cuckold couples have unconsciously found ways to use that biological mechanism in order to trigger enormous sexual excitement in their primary relationship, as the husband’s sexual chemistry is kicked into overdrive by his wife’s sexual explorations with another man. At the same time, the wife is often more orgasmic with a man other than her husband, as her body reacts with physiological excitement to the possibility of becoming pregnant by another man. This is one of the main reasons why the “creampie” fantasy is so popular.
Jealousy in hotwifing: I think that for hotwife couples, the jealousy is often still there, but comes out in their sexual excitement, rather than through fear or anger. But more so, I see that hotwife couples have developed high levels of communication, and learned to talk about situations that would trigger jealousy, rather than avoiding them. And some people in hotwifing seem to just be immune to jealousy, either by virtue of their own personality, or by their confidence in the security of their relationship and the love they share with their wives. Hotwifing for women: Hotwifing and cuckolding is almost universally initiated by the husbands, who bring it up to their wives, frightened they will be rejected or laughed at. But, for those couples who make this lifestyle work, it is because the wives find something in it for them. Female sexual capacity is infinitely greater than male sexuality. A woman can have as many as fifty or even sixty orgasms in an hour; a man is limited to at most three or four. In our history, it has been the rare woman who innately embraces the full capacity of her sexuality, and explores it outside social dictates regarding monogamy, and being “proper.” Hotwifing offers women a way to take the brakes off their sexual engines, revving them as high as they can go, all with their husband’s encouragement. Lots of men want to find ways to turn their wives into hotwives, but only a few have wives who are willing to go to Jamaica with them, to explore this fantasy in real life.
Hotwifing and Marriage: You couples who are on the island, courtesy of LoveVoodoo, exploring your “Colorful Fantasies,” are part of an elite, special and unique group, and you should all celebrate the love that exists in your marriages, that let you push these boundaries. The core components of a healthy relationship, such as good communication, trust, mutual respect, and mutual support, are essential to a successful marriage, whether there is hotwifing involved or not. To be successful, couples have to communicate very carefully and clearly about their desires and needs. Couples who explore this lifestyle have to work really hard to establish love, open communication and trust.
Insatiable Wives: Insatiable Wives, Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them is available on Amazon, at: http://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray- Love/dp/1442200308.
Insatiable Wives won a Silver Medal for Book of the Year in 2009, and has received very positive reviews. It offers lots more information about how and why the hotwife/cuckold lifestyle is so hot and exciting, along with interviews with other couples who are pursuing this lifestyle, and how they’ve made it work for them. I also explore the origins of the BBC fantasy, and what it means, something that is probably of intense interest to those of you who are pursuing your own “Colorful Fantasies” down in these hot tropical nights.
I also have a new book coming out in about six months, called The Myth of Sex Addiction. Hopefully, this book will take away any of your fears that your kinky sexual desires are dangerous or addictive.
I wish you all the best of luck in your Colorful Fantasies week in Hedonism, and hope that you all take time to celebrate each other, reminding you to cherish your love and trust, at the same time as you celebrate your sexual desires.
David J. Ley, Ph.D.